Recovering From an Abusive Relationship

You left, but you feel angry and overwhelmed byturned away from talking about it and building a new
everything that has happened. The end of anylife for herself. She became angrier, distant,
relationship is difficult, and it can take months orwithdrawn and depressed.
years to understand and deal with what follows theThere are things that you can do to minimize your
demise of an abusive relationship.pain and the tumultuous emotions that come with
When Natalie met her husband Curtis, she was 21leaving a cruel partner. The steps that you take next
years old and a grocery store clerk. Curtis was 22are the most important to your mental and physical
and a line cook in the family restaurant a block fromhealth and overall well being. They will affect how
the convenience store where she worked. She hadyou think of yourself, how you treat other people,
meals at the restaurant, and he often stopped at theand the way you react to different situations and
store on his way home from work. They becamestimuli. Your thought processes are often interrupted
friends; Natalie was single, Curtis was married withand jump from one thing to another without figuring
two small children. She met his wife, and a fewout any particular problem. It is important to take
weeks later he was let go from his job. Two yearsthings slow.
went by before she saw him again. Natalie had goneLet Your Emotions Flow
back to nursing, and Curtis was divorced and workingDuring your relationship, you weren't able to freely
in a lumber mill.express your emotions for fear of angering your
They quickly became a couple, and within a monthabuser. It is natural to feel a wide range of
they were married. Curtis rushed Natalie, saying thatsensations when you are under the domination of
he was afraid that he would lose her if he didn'tanother person. Since you are no longer in that
marry her right away. "At that time I didn't knowcontrolled atmosphere, let your feelings out. Be
what the signs of abuse were," says Natalie. "Inangry; in order to heal, you need to cope with your
retrospect, I should have paid more attention toanger. Let your fear show, even if it is only fear of
what transpired during our short courtship." Minutesbeing on your own.
after their wedding ceremony, Curtis boldly whistledWork Things Through
at another woman. He told Natalie to drive, andAfter you have your means of financial support and
proceeded to put down her driving techniques untilsafety ensured, you will need to work though what
she started crying. When they returned home, hehappened. In order to accomplish this, you will need
apologized and made promises of better behavior.to recall the painful words and events that took place
Throughout their five year marriage, Curtis wasduring your relationship. Since you are no longer living
extremely physically and verbally violent. He controlledin an environment of intimidation, you will be able to
Natalie by talking her into moving out of state withthink things more clearly. Seek counseling if you need
him then threatening to kill her family if she tried tosomeone to help you with your pain, and feel that a
leave him. After he cheated on her in their home withcounselor might be able to help. Counseling isn't for
a 19-year old girl, Natalie managed to get what sheeveryone, so don't feel bad if you decide not to talk
could into her car and went back to her hometownto a professional.
to live with her father. There were threatening phonePut Things in Perspective
calls from Curtis, crank calls at all hours in spite ofDon't blame yourself because your partner was
numerous number changes, and the fear that hemean. The guilt that goes with leaving a physically or
would carry out his explicit threats to kill her. Whenverbally violent relationship will consume you if you let
her divorce became final, she kept a low profile.it. Keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong,
"Recovery was difficult for me," says Natalie. "Iand that you didn't choose to be mistreated. The
blamed myself, and I felt guilty for leaving. Theregood part is that you were able to leave, and that is
were some good times, and I guess that is what Ia big step toward your recovery. Your self-esteem
was focusing on instead of facing my trauma andwill be suffering deeply, and you must take steps to
dealing with it." Her self-esteem was destroyed.get it back where it was before the abuse.
Curtis had repeatedly put down and degraded her forRelease the Negativity
her career plans, and for everything that she wantedThe negativity from your relationship is no longer
to do or thought about. He discouraged her frompresent, so why should the negative feelings and
having friends, and did many other things that madethoughts remain? Focus on positive things such as
her feel low and worthless. She became dangerouslyfriends, your job, your family, and all of the good
anorexic. She was very angry and frightened. Unablethings that have happened since you left the abuse
to express any emotion during her marriage, she heldbehind. Don't dwell on your ex, and don't try to keep
everything in. After she left Curtis, Natalie had toinformed of what is happening in his or her life. Don't
learn to express her feelings and deal with them in aagonize over what you could have done differently
healthy way.to make your former partner less abusive because
Natalie is now in her forties and is doing well. Shethe cruelty would have continued. Liberate yourself
remarried, but it took a long time for her to be ablefrom your old relationship for good, and work toward
to come to terms with her previous life, andbuilding your new life.
understand that she really is a wonderful person.© Copyright 2008 Patti McMann. All rights
Instead of working through things and letting go, shereserved.